Thursday, July 18, 2013

Not Perfect









So.....this week we went to the beach. I love a lot about these photos. The grey skies, the horses in the first picture. I love the way my children are clearly conspiring in picture number two. She looks so little next to his teenage bigness. For a brief moment they got along. My boy, a handsome almost-adult. My girl, so kind and pretty.

What I don't love? Pretty much everything that happened after these photos.

She was cold. And sandy. And wanted to take a shower.

He wanted to eat. He's 15, he always wants to eat.

I wanted to sit on the towel and finish my book. Two days later, my book sits unfinished.

Jay wanted to walk to the big rock. He didn't make it.

I feel like these moments aren't mentioned enough. Those moments when you as a parent want everything to be perfect but yet they turn to shit. You have everything planned. You know how it's supposed to be. But then someone is too cold/tired/hot/wet/hungry/miserable/etc.

So you pile back in the car and turn up the radio because even if the song sucks at least you aren't hearing these jerks complain anymore.

But.

Then.

You stop for Subway. Shitty, non-exciting Subway. Someone makes a joke about something silly and, for whatever reason, everyone ends up being in a good mood for the rest of the ride home. There are jokes, silliness, tickles, and Macklemore.

Was the day perfect or as I planned? No. Far from it.

But it wasn't a waste.


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

It's Summer Again

I'm trying to make the most of summer, I really am. When I'm off of work I know I should play games and go to the pool and the park, and occasionally I do these things, but my heart isn't in it. It's just too hot, the sun is too bright, and the days are far too long. The fact that I hate it so much exacerbates the Mommy Guilt that I already have for being at work so much lately.

But I'm trying. I'm trying to be in the moment and notice all those little things that go hand in hand with summer. Monty had a friend spend the night last night and as I was taking him home this afternoon, driving down the country road he lives off of, I could smell lavender growing. It was so fragrant that I commented on it and my son's friend said, "Wow. It does smell like lavender." And for a brief moment I was happy to be in the car with my children and this boy, the wind blowing through our hair, all of us collectively enjoying the smell of lavender. 

I tried to not dwell on the fact that the reason our hair was blowing and we could smell the lavender in the first place was because the air conditioning in the Pontiac isn't working properly. I tried to not be aware of the feeling of the sun on my arm, and how my pasty white skin felt as if it would soon start to erupt in hot boils. 

The negativity got the best of me though and when we arrived back home I had wilted. There was nothing left. All energy and life had been sucked from me.

This weather makes it so hard for me to be me. I don't feel like myself. I can't focus and I struggle to be happy, funny, and creative. 

Case in point, I had intended for this blog to be about this skirt I made for the girl in an all too rare moment of lucid creativity. It's a piece refashioned from a dress of mine that I loved but replacing the broken zipper proved to be beyond my skill set. It's much easier to chop it in half and create something smaller and new.

It's moments like this, when I actually do or create something, that make me think I can get through this summer. Somewhere, deep beneath the sweat, I still exist. I'm just hibernating temporarily.

Fall and Winter will be here soon. Just not soon enough

(On the bright side, I'm ahead of the game for December. As the above picture shows, my Christmas lights are up.)