Dear Old Navy:
After having been lucky enough to avoid you for the last few years, I've recently found myself darkening your doorstep twice in one month. Once to shop for inexpensive black clothes for a job I'll be starting soon, and the second time was to find a dress for my daughter. Both times I found what I was looking for. Sort of. I mean, I really didn't. I settled. Every time I walk through your doors I think, "I'm not going to find the exact thing I want here, yet I will still probably buy something." Maybe you can make that your new motto: Old Navy. You'll leave disappointed, but not empty handed! Feel free to use that in a commercial with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
When I was looking for black clothing I found a cute pair of pants but then flipped over the price tag and saw that it read $34.50. HA. I literally laughed out loud in the store, and in my head I thought, "Yeah, that is not gonna be happening." If I'm going to overpay at a store, it's not going to be at Old Navy. I will go somewhere else and pay $30 MORE to NOT be wearing Old Navy pants. Here's the thing, I will never, ever, EVER, pay more than $24.50 for anything at your store, and if your sales rack is any indication, neither will anyone else on the planet. So, just stop. STOP. No one thinks they are getting style or quality at Old Navy, so just be the dollar store you know you are. That being said, I have another new motto for you! Can't afford to dress for the job you want? Forced to dress for the job you have? Old Navy has you covered.
Your visual merchandising. Or lack of it. I would love, love, love to be a fly on the wall during a meeting of your visual merchandisers. I imagine it would go something like this:
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #1: Yeah, um, we're about to send out the new merchandising plans to all the stores. What important info should we pass on this season?
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #2: Well, once they've dressed all the creepy mannequins, just tell them to open up boxes and start throwing clothes, completely un-ironed of course...
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #1: OF COURSE!!!
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #2: ........in the direction of the walls. Hopefully it will land on the rack, but if not, whatever. Just remind the employees to not step on them as they are walking around actively avoiding customers.
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #1: Sounds like a plan! Work done! Wanna go shopping?
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #2: Not at Old Navy.
Clueless Corporate Old Navy Person #1: Dude, of course not.
Once I've resolved to buy whatever inferior product I've been halfheartedly carrying around, I make my way to the checkout section of the store, which inevitably, is being manned by one completely ineffectual person. During the twenty minute wait in line, I'm forced to look at all the junky toys and video games that now litter your checkout lanes. Why, Old Navy? WHY!?!? Have you never been shopping with children? I've already lived through the hellish experience of shopping in your store with a child and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when I hear, "MOM!!! They have Kirby's Epic Yarn! Will you get it for me? Mom?! Mom!? MOM!? MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!"
I'm on to you Old Navy. I know you think that it's a good idea to have these add-ons near the register where my resolve is weakened. I've been in your store for eons, I'm tired and sad and clearly my life isn't going well (because I'm in Old Navy.) You think that I'm going to buy this overpriced shit just to shut my kid up. I'm not. Her whining doesn't bother me. I don't even hear it anymore. You're wasting valuable merchandising real estate on these items that I'm absolutely not going to purchase. The only thing you're really doing is giving me yet another reason to not return.
In conclusion, I do think that Old Navy could be a decent store, but it's gonna take a lot of work and I don't know if you have the energy for it. It might be easier to just to die, in which case, no one would blame you. For my part, I will assist in your suicide by no longer shopping at your store.
Feel free to contact me if you want to use the clever mottos I came up with. Contact me for information on where to send payments. Please note though, I don't accept Old Navy gift cards.