Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Last Days

This afternoon I picked up my beloved old lady cat Isabelle and carried her out to the back porch for some fresh air. Since going blind a few months back, she isn't allowed out there anymore because I'm afraid she'll fall off the balcony.

I built a little safety wall out of our bikes, the container garden that I wish would just fucking die already because I'm sick of caring for it, and the stuffed animals that had to be bagged up three days ago when I thought we might have a lice issue, (we don't, but those toys are staying bagged up for ten days just to be on the safe side).

I've set a date.

If she hasn't passed on by Friday, I'm calling the vet and having her put down. I didn't want to have to do that. I wanted her to die at home, peacefully and naturally, preferably with me close by, but it isn't happening fast enough. She's sickly, frail, at times looks confused, and honestly, doesn't smell all that great. I don't think she purrs anymore. She has no quality of life. I know what I have to do.

I don't know when the exact day will be.  Maybe that day, maybe the next, maybe the following business day. But it's most likely she won't be in my life this time next week.

I cry a lot. I'm crying as I type this.

I've had animals my whole life and I'm not new to this process or the pain that comes with it, but this one is different. This cat is older than my oldest child, older than my marriage. She's my buddy. I know that technically she isn't a person, but seriously she is one of my top ten favorite people of all time. I don't care if that sounds crazy.

Back in January of 2011, I posted this picture of Isabelle in our Qwirkle box.  Jay and I still play Qwirkle at least once a week and the Qwirkle box is still Isabelle's favorite, but when we played most recently Isabelle was too blind and confused to notice and probably too weak to get on the table.  Midway through the game, Jay commented, "The last time we played, Isabelle could still get in her box." As silly as it is, that was when it REALLY hit me that she wouldn't be in my life much longer.

When you have a pet this long I think you can kind of fool yourself into thinking that they'll be around forever, because, in a way, it seems like they already have. It's hard for me to remember my life before Isabelle and it's hard for me to imagine living without Isabelle.

Soon I'll be doing just that.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Random Thoughts

* I signed up for NaBloWriMo. I'm already scared. I've barely written 31 blog posts this year, let alone doing 31 in a month. But I thought this might help get me back on track.  I've always loved NaBloWriMo time and haven't done it in a while. (Two years? Maybe more.) Besides, NaBloWriMo is not exactly an intense, cutthroat competition and all the other bloggers are always super supportive. I figure even if I only manage 10-15 posts, I'll call it a success. (C'mon, join me!)

*My old lady cat Isabelle is not doing well. She's now totally blind and her kidneys aren't what they used to be. She's super thin and lethargic and we all know the end really is near. I'm hoping that she'll die peacefully at home but if it doesn't happen soon, some tough choices are going to have to be made. Although she's always been my cat, I love how sweet Jay and the kids are being to her. When she's stumbling around looking confused they pick her up and gently take her to the cat box. When feeding time comes they put her bowl right in front of her and guide her head downward so that she knows exactly where her food is. That patience and kindness makes me happy during an otherwise very unhappy time.

*I'm letting my hair grow out. It wasn't my plan at first, I just didn't have time to make an appointment. But now that I almost have a chin length bob, I've decided to go with the new look. I'll post a picture once I get it properly styled by a professional. Right now it's being styled by me using the same razor I use to shave my legs.

*Jay and I have been watching season after season of Dexter. I had never seen this show because I'm opposed to paying money for more than one premium channel and HBO has always won out over Showtime. But now, thanks to the magic that is Netflix, we're getting caught up. We've just started season four, the season with The Trinity Killer.  I may never look at John Lithgow the same way again.

* I really want to make these Pumpkin Oreo Cheesecakes. The recipe doesn't look too complex. I think I can handle this. I had planned to stock up on canned pumpkin this week but was shocked to not see it on the shelves of Trader Joe's yet. Hopefully soon.

*I need to do a book post here soon. (Hmmm...maybe for NaBloWriMo.) Right now I'm reading The Night Circus. It's good but slow.

*Lately I've been thinking about how I've never seen any of the Harry Potter movies. This needs to change. I'm considering doing a Harry Potter movie marathon with my family. (Family: This your warning.)

*Barring anything needing to be urgently written about, you probably won't hear from me until October 1. I will be banking blog posts until then.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Annual Late Summer Depression

This evening I was reading an email from Peggy in which she told me, among other things, to "Come Back." I don't know if she meant to my blog, her blog, or the internet in general, but the truth is, I've been absent from everywhere.

This is partially work related. I adore my job and I think about it often. Plus, I'm in charge of our Facebook page and I write the promotional emails that go out to our customer list. I love this but I think it uses up all the brain parts that would go to writing a blog post. When I do use the computer for fun, I usually end up at one of the more mindless corners of the internet. (I'm looking at you Pinterest, you dirty whore.)

But it's also summertime. I hate summer.

Summer arrives late to the Portland area, but once it comes it sticks around. We've had at least 47 days in a row of sun with no measurable rain. Jay and I estimate it to be closer to 60-75 but The Weather Channel only allowed me to go back to the beginning of August. And in the dead of summer the sun rises at about 5:30 and doesn't set until after 9 PM. That's a lot of sunshine.

And it's left me drained.

I have no energy. I go to work. I do things for and with the kids. I mostly don't ignore my husband.  I don't craft. I don't sew or crochet. I am thisclose to completing a project for Kashoan that I meant to send months ago. I barely read. I don't exercise. I have letters to compose and thank you notes to write and send. I have half filled care packages to fill and mail. I have friends both locally and far away who I think about daily and I know are being ignored. The days go by in a haze but yet start too quickly again with the glowing sun outside my window.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I know that I'm close to it. The days are getting shorter and there is a breeze in the air. Starbucks is selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Target has Halloween candy, and Goodwill has once again hung the banner declaring themselves "Halloween Central."

I want to eat soups and chowders and bisques. I want to bake pumpkin everything. I want mashed potatoes and squash. I want to wear sweaters and tights. I want to stumble my way through a corn maze. I want egg nog and jack o'lanterns. And then......Christmas lights.

Autumn, I know you're on your way. Please hurry.