Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Last Days
I built a little safety wall out of our bikes, the container garden that I wish would just fucking die already because I'm sick of caring for it, and the stuffed animals that had to be bagged up three days ago when I thought we might have a lice issue, (we don't, but those toys are staying bagged up for ten days just to be on the safe side).
I've set a date.
If she hasn't passed on by Friday, I'm calling the vet and having her put down. I didn't want to have to do that. I wanted her to die at home, peacefully and naturally, preferably with me close by, but it isn't happening fast enough. She's sickly, frail, at times looks confused, and honestly, doesn't smell all that great. I don't think she purrs anymore. She has no quality of life. I know what I have to do.
I don't know when the exact day will be. Maybe that day, maybe the next, maybe the following business day. But it's most likely she won't be in my life this time next week.
I cry a lot. I'm crying as I type this.
I've had animals my whole life and I'm not new to this process or the pain that comes with it, but this one is different. This cat is older than my oldest child, older than my marriage. She's my buddy. I know that technically she isn't a person, but seriously she is one of my top ten favorite people of all time. I don't care if that sounds crazy.
Back in January of 2011, I posted this picture of Isabelle in our Qwirkle box. Jay and I still play Qwirkle at least once a week and the Qwirkle box is still Isabelle's favorite, but when we played most recently Isabelle was too blind and confused to notice and probably too weak to get on the table. Midway through the game, Jay commented, "The last time we played, Isabelle could still get in her box." As silly as it is, that was when it REALLY hit me that she wouldn't be in my life much longer.
When you have a pet this long I think you can kind of fool yourself into thinking that they'll be around forever, because, in a way, it seems like they already have. It's hard for me to remember my life before Isabelle and it's hard for me to imagine living without Isabelle.
Soon I'll be doing just that.