Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Elf on the Shelf

Have you heard of this guy?In case you're unfamiliar with him, throughout December he sits on a shelf during the day watching all of the children and then at night he reports back to the North Pole to tell Santa how the boys and girls are behaving. Upon his return, he sits on a different shelf, because, well duh, that's how you know he actually left.

I have some thoughts on this.

*First off, people are really into this. We sell the kit, which includes The Elf and the book, for $30 and have a hard time keeping them in stock. I'm amazed that people are that committed to this idea and can keep it going all the way until Christmas. My motivation for such a project would definitely fizzle out after a few days and I would have to tell my kids that our Elf is so good at his job that he could tell after only a short time how they were behaving and he decided to take the rest of the month off.

*My pal, Dawn, has the Elf. She named him Jimmy after a character on Boardwalk Empire. (Things like that make me love her even more.) But she just told me that on the show Jimmy recently had sex with his mom and now she's having a hard time looking at her Elf.

*The Elf has a song. "The Elf on the Shelf is watching you, what you say and what you do." Creepy. Really, really creepy.

*At work we have a store Elf. Every night we have to hide him and the first kid to find him the next day gets a candy cane. The problem is, that at the end of the night we're all ready to skedaddle out of there with the quickness so we usually forget The Elf. Then one of us will get a late night text saying something to the effect of, "Shit! I forgot to move The Elf! Will you do it for me in the morning?" Because we have had kids who come in and say, "Hey! The Elf was in the same place yesterday!" (It should say something about the community I work in that kids are actually in a toy store two days in a row.)

*When I'm in charge of hiding The Elf, I carry him around the store swinging him by his scrawny Elf legs until I find the best possible place to hide him. Kinda ruins some of the Christmas Magic, doesn't it? Confession: I don't want kids to find him. I want kids to get agitated and frustrated when looking for him. I don't want them to cry, I just want them to learn the hard lesson that not everything in life is going to come to them so easily.

*If I know that adults are looking for The Elf, I like to give them vague, cryptic, and mostly unhelpful hints such as "The Elf is by a box." I also like to tell them if they're Hot or Cold. Especially if they are Cold. Last week I said to a Grandpa, "Wow! You are freezing cold. You're never gonna find The Elf over here. Come on, you can do better. A toddler found him earlier." (Note: This type of talk only works on men, who think that I'm being playful and possibly slightly flirty. Women think I'm being a bitch. They may be right.)


just me said...

We had a secret santa who left one on our porch for our boys this week, well it lasted 2 nights and the 6yo couldn't stand it and when I was out of the room "touched" him, which for those who have not read the book takes away the elf's magic! So many tears but he has not moved now for 2 days. Maybe his magic will come back, if I feel so inclined:)

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

I just heard about this....It sounds like way to much work.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

oh i love the passive agressive tone with the men...good work. You get a big fat Xmas bonus!

Maria Rose said...

Ha ha! The whole Elf on the Shelf business totally creeps me out. I was never told that Santa or elves were real. I was totally disappointed in my peers for believing in the weird nonsense.

Tammie said...

just me: oh that is hilarious. i mean, not the tears part, but the rest.

jodi: i completely agree.

peggy: i thought youd appreciate that.

maria rose:same here. and my own kids have always been skeptics as well.

Not Hannah said...

Can I be honest? I hate the whole Elf on a Shelf business. A: When did Santa need somebody to be his bitch for him? Hello, Magic Snowball, anyone? and B: Is it just me or is that a whole metric crap ton of work? I love Christmas and Santa AND elves, but they will be staying off of my shelf, yo.

Daphne said...

I've never heard of this thing. There ARE benefits to not having kids... (besides, isn't Santa supposed to know ALL BY HIMSELF if you are naughty or nice?)

Run Lori Run said...

I have heard about this and, being the cynic I am, don't like the idea of manufacturing a toy/book tradition in order to make money. But then isn't that what Christmas is all about? :)

Meyser said...

Haha, I was picturing you with a mean grin of your face, dragging around an Elf. Made my day!!!
(we always did the Sinterklaas tradition here in Belgium, Santa never really spoke to us. Christmas was all about the tree and the lights and the gifts from family, and covering the little baby Jesus with a piece of cotton balls so he wouldn't get cold)

Tammie said...

meyser: my co workers husband is from the netherlands and they do sinterklaas as well. i actually kinda like everything shes told me about it. this covering baby jesus with cotton balls intrigues me though.

Visty said...

I bought your damn elf. The book is horrible but the elf is cute. Can you believe I tried to paste paper on top of the book's words to write words of my own? Then I realized I suck at that, so I just cut out a few pictures with no words and bound them together with a ribbon. Our elf doesn't do something interesting every night, just sometimes. Children can touch her, but adults can't. She doesn't report to Santa. And tomorrow she's bringing candy.

Tammie said...

it does not surpise me at all that you tried to rewrite the book. yeah the book does kinda suck.

oooh candy.