Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Break Up Letter

Dear Alec,

After much thought, I feel as if I must write the following, but please know that it is with a heavy heart.

It's come to my attention that you are dating someone else. You and I were never seeing each other exclusively (or at all), I've watched many of your girlfriends come and go, and I've mostly approved of your choices in lady friends. But with this latest one, a 27 year old yoga instructor, I feel I can't just sit idly by. In the back of my mind I always considered myself a bit young for you, so the fact that you are now with someone almost 10 years my junior, well......it skeeves me out a bit.

You and I have been together (in my head) for over a decade and while we've had many good times, I'd be lying if I said it's always been easy being your (pretend) girlfriend. You're an opinionated guy and although this is one of the qualities I love about you, there have been times I've found myself having to clarify or justify things you've said so as to make you sound less crazy. ("Alec didn't really mean he'd leave the country if Bush won the election. He's just passionate about his political beliefs." "Alec didn't mean to rant at his daughter that way. It's been a tough custody battle. He loves his daughter." ) Not to mention the fact that I've seen all your movies, even the questionable ones. I saw The Cat in the Hat, Alec. IN.THE.THEATRE. I've done all this because I cared and I believed in us.

But back to the 27 year old yoga instructor. We all know why you're with her. It's because she's young and flexible and you're middle aged, not so flexible, and feel you have something to prove. This is all very typical, predictable male behaviour and it makes you look silly. Do you want to be the next Larry King? DO YOU???? Ick.

Of course, I'm not totally blameless when it comes to the break in our (fake) relationship. I'll admit I've had a wandering eye lately. (Enter Vincent D'Onofrio. Or that African American fellow on The Weather Channel.) So maybe I haven't been as attentive to your needs as I once was.

As this chapter of our lives comes to a close, I want to focus on the positive things. You look great in a suit, you'll always make me laugh, and I can't thank you enough for introducing me to Tina Fey. She and I are besties now. (In my head.)

I wish you nothing but continued success and happiness. (But if yoga instructor gets pregnant, I swear to god I will THROW UP.) And best of luck on any political career you have planned.

Oh, and one more thing. Your brother, Daniel, and I shop at the same grocery store so if he comes to you with some story about a slightly crazy, short haired lady attempting to flirt with him in the wine section of Trader Joe's, please remember that he is an unstable liar and know that his story is utter bullshit. And that I was thinking of you the whole time.

Love always,

Tammie

18 comments:

Nowheymama said...

AWESOME.

(That guy on the weather channel looks just like a white guy I grew up with. It's freaky.)

Tammie said...

that is totally bizarre.

Daphne said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you and Alec have hit a rough patch, but seriously, MENS. Little bouncy yoga instructor? really? Sigh.

Tammie said...

daph: i know. i know.

im dealing with it by baking break up cookies today.

Maria Rose said...

Yeah... I saw that he wants to travel the world with her. I wondered how you would take that. I think you've made the right choice.

When you are feeling rough just remember that the right choice isn't always the easy choice. Stay strong.

Maria Rose said...

P.S. He doesn't even know what he is missing. I bet that yoga instructor has no sense of irony. Booo

Tammie said...

maria rose: thank you for the wise and kind words during this difficult time.

:)

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

I'm so sorry it's over....You guys seemed so rock solid.

Tammie said...

jodi: i know. but all good things must come to an end.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

His loss.
But he'll get tired of having to explain how things work and explain history to her on their world travels. This is the colisiem....No honey,Kanye didn't play here, it's not that kind of coliesum.

Dig in to the cookies - Vincent loves baked goods so you're on the right track. (love him in every movie....even The Break Up. You just wanted to hug him, he stole every scene he was in!)

Tammie said...

peggy: HA! you crack me up.
and i agree, i just watched The Break up over the weekend. He made a completely average movie into something totally watchable.

Jaime said...

You are totally hilarious.

Visty said...

What a tool. He never deserved you. Also, Daniel shops at our Trader Joe's??

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Somehow I missed this, and OMG. Best post ever! Although I'm sorry for your heartbreak. xoxo

Tammie said...

visty: yes. he lives in lake oswego.

Violet Marbles said...

I totally missed this, but *giggles*

Jocelyn said...

This is so well done. My imaginary divorce from Russell Crowe was messy indeed.

Tammie said...

jocelyn: thank you. its hard to remain classy sometimes. :)