Monday, August 30, 2010

The Break(Down)

So, I guess I took an unintended week long blogging break.

In all truthfulness, I had been feeling it coming on for a while. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to talk about, it was just that I had no time or brain power to sit down and write about it. I have a confession to make: Despite how it looks, I don't just whip out these blog posts in minutes. I usually have an idea floating around in my head for a few days. I mentally work on it from time to time, seeing if it can 'go anywhere.' If it looks like it can be dragged out into a few paragraphs, then I scribble some notes down on a piece of paper. Then that piece of paper inevitably gets thrown away, so I go to the computer and try to remember everything I had written down. Long story short, a few days later I have a blog post. Then of course there are pictures and links and editing it all, as best as one can self edit. So, it's a process. A process I just haven't had the energy for lately.

Another confession: This summer has kicked me around. Jay has worked a lot and business has been booming. Which is awesome, I'm not complaining. He's doing better here than we ever imagined and his bosses love and appreciate him. Which makes Jay happy, which in turn makes me happy. But also means I've been with the kids. A lot. Really. A LOT. Again, not complaining. They are my kids. I made the choice to have them and I made the choice to stay home with them. I truly love them with all my heart and most of the time I love being with them. But so help me god, if I'm forced to feign interest in one more pointless story that takes 20 minutes to tell and goes absolutely nowhere, I'm going to start stabbing myself with the nearest sharp kitchen utensil. And the eating?!? Why do people so little need to eat sooooo often? feeding.them. It's gotten to the point where I'm throwing easy things at them like bananas, cereal, yogurt, cookies, peanut butter sandwiches, and applesauce cups. And while I'm admitting to being an awful, lazy mother, let me just confess that when my daughter brings me her applesauce cup and asks me to remove the lid, I'm like, "Dammit, do I have to do everything around here?" I know, horrible. (Now is the time when you all chime in and tell me I'm not the only one that feels this way sometimes.)

I think part of the problem is that they don't yet have their own lives here in Oregon. Back in Florida, the boy especially had his buddy that was always at our house and vice versa. When they were around I never had to entertain them, they just did their own thing. The boy hasn't yet found the Oregon version of that kid. (He keeps trying though. Pre teen boys have been traipsing through my apartment and around the pool all summer. The most recent one who was here seems like he may be a winner.)

Also, in an effort to keep everyone busy, we may have overdone it a bit. We've been go, go, going for the last three months. And while it's been fun, I think the kids are ready for their lives to revolve around school and home. Bed times have gotten way too late (I should not still be hearing my daughter's shrill banshee voice at midnight) and eating schedules are off track. Simply put, we are totally off our routine. But the air around here is anticipatory. Both of these kids are so ready for school to start. They are just as sick of being with me as I'm sick of being with them. Which I love. They want to socialize and be with other annoying little people just like themselves. Wonderful. Go, be free.

So, that's why I haven't blogged in a week. When I have had computer time, I used it for something that required far less brain power on my part, like reading your blogs or scrolling through Emmys Red Carpet photos looking for shots of Alec Baldwin. ( I didn't find any, I don't think he was there.) But school starts mid next week, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This week the plan is to gradually get back to normal bedtimes and regular meals. And I think I can handle that.

It's funny, because I started writing this yesterday afternoon during a particularly stressful bout with the kids and I began to feel better almost immediately after I let it out. I shouldn't have avoided the process for a whole week, my funk may have faded sooner. I know I don't say it as often as I should, but thanks for sticking around and thanks for 'listening.'


Daphne said...

I was going to check in on you yesterday -- wondering how things were going. So glad school is starting soon -- is your daughter starting kindergarten?

Tammie said...

oh, all is well. i was just feeling moody i suppose. :) yep, the girl starts school too. shes thrilled. its only the half day morning session, but i know she'll love it.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Good post! I don't even have kids but feeling this way about dog and hubby. Not in a great place right now.

Hey Alec didn't get to the Emmy's. Heard something about a flight missed or something. Held hostage in Oregon or something.....

Tammie said...

peggy; ha! sadly, no hostages here.

im so glad im not only one feeling this way. i feel kind of whiny sometimes because im basically happy and really have no complaints. i guess life can just be tiring sometimes.

Mari said...

Oh gosh, I remember all of this with the kids so well...all I can tell you is that last week when I sent my daughter off for her first day of college, I couldn't believe how fast it went by in the end!

Carla said...

I know what you mean about constantly feeding kids! Mine are little yet and that's all they want to do is eat.

~Missy~ said...

Definately not the only one ;-)
We moved about the same time you did, with us moving from alabama to alaska...the kiddos, good grief, I will be so glad when they have some friends to entertain them!! Kids up playing Wii at 2am, sigh...Been down in the same trenches you are..mix in we are moving back down to lower Alaska in 3 weeks (with a run with the uhaul this weekend with the bulk of our stuff in case his work runs over, that I apparently need to pack for, ACK). It will, it must, get better here soon!!

Tammie said...

mari: i know. isnt it nuts?! when i look back at the past few years, its really zipped by. i cant believe my son is going into the seventh grade.

carla: right?!?! sometimes it seems as if i no sooner get one kitchen mess cleaned up then here they come again back for another round.

missy: ive been thinking about you, wondering if you were going through the same thing!! and yep, thats how it is here too. i feel like i have to constantly be 'on' to entertain them, or they're playing video games all night long. the gaming has gotten out of control.

Maria Rose said...

I understand needing a blog break. Sometimes my blogging is sort of boom and bust too. During the boom times I hoard blogs, writing them in advance and leaving them as drafts until lazy/boring/crazy days when I just hit post. You are far more wise than me and you just left us waiting for more...

Crystal said...

Oh, my friend, you are SO NOT the only one that thinks these things. I get so tired of my children during the summer. There is no break from them and it wears you down, man. But! School! Is! Here! Thank goodness for school.

What do you mean Alec was not there? Just where the heck was he then?

michelle said...

your welcome! and thank you for blogging. i was starting to feel the same way towards the end of summer. the whole, i'm sick of them as much as they are me, couldn't ring truer!!!! i am loving the routine we have for school nights. the kids are out like a light by 8:30pm, and when it starts getting dark earlier, 8pm baby. and on the weekends, between 9-9:30pm ahhhhyeeeah. love it. i'm sure when your little ones start school, they will meet some nice kids. :)

Dani said...

I hear ya. After being with 24 little ones all day (including The Girl, who's in my class), I'm not the most shining example of motherhood.

Whatever. I'm doing the best I can.

I dare someone else do any better and not be on some form of mood altering substance.

I'm going to chime in now and let you know that you are not alone, you aren't terrible, and that I feel your pain in everything you said.

OK. Gotta go shove a banana at my kid now. ;)

Tammie said...

dani: i think about you throughout the day. things like, i only have these two, dani has a WHOLE CLASS to deal with.

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

Glad your back at the blog....I was starting to wonder. Your latest entry made me feel so much better about things. Here I am moping around -- how quickly I have forgotten about all the drudgery mothering can entail. The many fights I have negotiated. The hunger pains with nothing in the cupboard but junky-crap food. The boredom and seemingly constant entertainment I would have to provide. As I now know -- it does all end rather abruptly, but as I look back all those parts (the good, the bad and the ugly) they are what made up my life (and yours these days).

And don't ever berate yourself for not being a perfect mom and having these thoughts -- you do the best you can each and every day. I just know you do. No one can ask for more. Hang in there -- school's right around the corner and you can take some time for yourself.

Becky..AMHW said...

That's why I was lax all summer. You cannot write when every five minutes you have a child trying to confirm so out there fact with you, because he assumes your brain is an encyclopedia.

No, I don't know how high fleas can jump. No, we don't have fleas in our geographic location because of a few reasons. No, I don't know where fleas are the most common or which animals they like best.

Lunch IS AT LUNCH TIME! Yes, you are hungry now, a half hour before lunch, because IT'S ALMOST LUNCH TIME!

Anyway, I've really enjoyed this first week of school so far.

mandy said...

I love this post.

I can totally relate to your applesauce moment. The first thing I thought was hearing the familair sing song voice come from the bathroom, "momma WIPE ME!" It can get so frustrating feeling you do everything for them. Especially when they seem on the cusp of being able to do things themselves.

We moved over a year ago and I feel I lost so much momentum. Friends, co-workers from when I was still working, just people we could be really comfortable around.

Fall is coming. The time of school and nesting.

Thanks for this post. It is awesome.

Lia said...

I feel like I can never keep up with my freaking blog. I also feel like you are one of the power-house bloggers, with so many posts. I just can't do it that often, even if I have something to write about. Inevitably I forget what it was I was thinking about because I never write it down.

Taking care of kids all day is hard and exhausting, but in a very strange way it's easier with a bunch of someone else's kids than it is with your own two.

I hope your son has found his new hang-out buddy. They must have friends, preferably nearby friends. It's the only reason we all get along most of the time.

I am not glad that summer is over. I wish I could be at home. In spite of the fact that my year has started off really well. I still prefer home, even if my kids have to be here, too.

I'll be sure to think of you next week. I can just see you gleefully dropping the kids off at school, frolicking around your new city alone. I'm jealous! Have fun!

victoria said...

n't be a I know!! It was a long stretch between posts!! :-) So glad you put one together and are feeling better! Blogging can definitely be a process. I'm still finding my way, figuring out how to do it- whatever "it" is with blogging. I do the same thing with ideas rolling around in my head.

Oh, and, it was about six weeks in that I decided I wouldn't be a "perfect" mother. She's only four months old and I already allow myself to roll my eyes after eight long hours of whining.

But they all know they are loved and that's what counts! ;-)

C.yoU.Next.Tuesday said...

Life gets tiring and being with the same people no matter how old or young all the time, day after day definitely wears on the nerves. I'm a person that definitely needs alone time from day to day and that's just always how it's going to be. I was dog sitting my stepmom's dog a couple of weeks ago and he would NOT leave my side. He's adorable and everything but I just kept getting soooo irritated. I just wanted a second where he didn't want to be on my lap or have me within 5 feet of him. I know dogs and kids are technically different (haha) but I see where you are coming from for sure!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I definitely feel the same way sometimes. On very (not) rare occasions.
My thing now is, I have a teenage daughter...14 and in high school. And when she comes home from school, she tells me all about her day. In excruciating detail. And on the one hand, I am so very grateful that we have this relationship. I never told my mom anything about my personal/social life. And I don't want it to stop, I don't want to shut her out. But OMFG, sometimes I think if I have to hear one more story about these twits, I'm going to stab myself in the ears!!