Most of you know how much I hate having my picture taken. When the camera is pointed at me, I tense up and get very agitated and nervous. That is if I let anyone take my picture in the first place. (Jay has compared pictures of me to that of pictures of Bigfoot, kind of grainy and fuzzy with Bigfoot running from the camera.) Then if I see the photos, I just feel ill and most likely end up destroying any hard copies.
Because of this, there is virtually no photographic evidence of me past the age of about 19. Which bothers me. I mean, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd like the kids to have at least a few photos of their mom.
So, I've decided that once a month I'm going to post a photo of myself. This is a huge step for me and not really something I'm comfortable with, but I want to learn to relax when my picture is being taken. I'm tired of looking like I'm in agony.
The rules for this project are as follows:
*The picture will appear here sometime before the fifteenth of every month.
*I'm calling it Self Portrait, but in actuality I'm hoping to get Jay, the boy, or anyone else who happens to be around, to take my picture. The goal being to get comfortable with this.
*There isn't going to be a lot of set up or staging. I'm not going to spend any more time on my hair or makeup than I would on an average day. I'm not aiming for model beauty or perfection. Just me, being me, doing my me thing.
*When doing a self portrait, once I've decided when and where to do the shot, I must choose one of the first twenty shots. I'm imposing this rule so I don't end up standing in front of the mirror for twelve hours hoping the next shot will be better than the last.
*Along with the photo, I'll probably include a few notes about the day it was taken. What I'm wearing, what I was doing at the time, if I was listening to any music, etc.
So, without further ado, here's the portrait for July:Notes on this photo:
*It was taken on the fourth of July. A quiet day at home, just me and the kids. I had been cleaning the bedroom and listening to music (Kandi by One Eskimo has the power to bring me near tears lately) when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I then noticed that I grimaced at the sight of myself. This self hatred is what I'm trying to stop. It's stupid and pointless.
*I was irritable this day and I know I snapped at the kids a lot. I had hives and was super itchy and uncomfortable. I've been breaking out in hives on and off since moving to Oregon. I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. Maybe my skin just isn't used to living without humidity.
*My pinky finger looks really long in this photo. When did I grow ET fingers? Wonderful. One more thing to be self conscious about.
*The dress I'm wearing used to be Dani's. It became mine last year and it has become my go-to warm weather dress. (I don't own a single pair of shorts anymore.) On this day, I thought it would be warm but by 2:00 it was still 65 degrees so I had to put a sweatshirt over it.
*I'm wearing my glasses. I need these mainly for reading but I get tired of putting them on and off so when I don't need them for seeing, I let them slide down my nose and then peer over the top. I'm sure this makes me look like a mean librarian spinster, but whatever.
*ET fingers and all, I'm mostly pleased with this shot. It's not great, but I feel like it looks like how I think I look.