Monday, July 5, 2010

Self Portrait: July

Most of you know how much I hate having my picture taken. When the camera is pointed at me, I tense up and get very agitated and nervous. That is if I let anyone take my picture in the first place. (Jay has compared pictures of me to that of pictures of Bigfoot, kind of grainy and fuzzy with Bigfoot running from the camera.) Then if I see the photos, I just feel ill and most likely end up destroying any hard copies.

Because of this, there is virtually no photographic evidence of me past the age of about 19. Which bothers me. I mean, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd like the kids to have at least a few photos of their mom.

So, I've decided that once a month I'm going to post a photo of myself. This is a huge step for me and not really something I'm comfortable with, but I want to learn to relax when my picture is being taken. I'm tired of looking like I'm in agony.

The rules for this project are as follows:

*The picture will appear here sometime before the fifteenth of every month.

*I'm calling it Self Portrait, but in actuality I'm hoping to get Jay, the boy, or anyone else who happens to be around, to take my picture. The goal being to get comfortable with this.

*There isn't going to be a lot of set up or staging. I'm not going to spend any more time on my hair or makeup than I would on an average day. I'm not aiming for model beauty or perfection. Just me, being me, doing my me thing.

*When doing a self portrait, once I've decided when and where to do the shot, I must choose one of the first twenty shots. I'm imposing this rule so I don't end up standing in front of the mirror for twelve hours hoping the next shot will be better than the last.

*Along with the photo, I'll probably include a few notes about the day it was taken. What I'm wearing, what I was doing at the time, if I was listening to any music, etc.

So, without further ado, here's the portrait for July:Notes on this photo:

*It was taken on the fourth of July. A quiet day at home, just me and the kids. I had been cleaning the bedroom and listening to music (Kandi by One Eskimo has the power to bring me near tears lately) when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I then noticed that I grimaced at the sight of myself. This self hatred is what I'm trying to stop. It's stupid and pointless.

*I was irritable this day and I know I snapped at the kids a lot. I had hives and was super itchy and uncomfortable. I've been breaking out in hives on and off since moving to Oregon. I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. Maybe my skin just isn't used to living without humidity.

*My pinky finger looks really long in this photo. When did I grow ET fingers? Wonderful. One more thing to be self conscious about.

*The dress I'm wearing used to be Dani's. It became mine last year and it has become my go-to warm weather dress. (I don't own a single pair of shorts anymore.) On this day, I thought it would be warm but by 2:00 it was still 65 degrees so I had to put a sweatshirt over it.

*I'm wearing my glasses. I need these mainly for reading but I get tired of putting them on and off so when I don't need them for seeing, I let them slide down my nose and then peer over the top. I'm sure this makes me look like a mean librarian spinster, but whatever.

*ET fingers and all, I'm mostly pleased with this shot. It's not great, but I feel like it looks like how I think I look.

25 comments:

Dani said...

Holy, moly...you should take more pictures of yourself...a lot more pictures.

You are so pretty!

I love the color of your sweater...I'm glad you like the dress. And you don't have ET fingers.

I like this post idea. I might join you...

nevertravelled said...

What a freaking cute photo of you! This is a great idea.

* you might be having an allergy reaction. I had terrible allergies in Oregon but then when I moved to CA, they all went away. Or so I thought. Now I just get plugged up ears, but not the typical allergy (sneezing, etc. ) symptoms. There is a lot of pollen and stuff in the air in Oregon. Just a thought.

jessie said...

I'm going to come down there and swipe those glasses. Friggin' cute! Want!

This is a killer project! Liberating and honest. Maybe I could join?...if that's cool.

Carla said...

I think you look great! Fro one who works in the glasses industry - I love yours!

Theresa said...

You are very brave for undertaking this and I love the rule about the first 20 shots. I would have to impose that rule too.

I also love the bedspread in the background.

You don't have ET fingers. *laughs*

Tim used to break out in hives whenever he'd go throuh a big change. It was like a stress thing. He broke out in hives when he moved here from florida. He broke out in hives when we moved in here. He broke out in hives when Nadia was born... maybe it's just a stress trigger thing?

Tammie said...

thank you everyone for the positive feedback on my little project. and yes, if you want to play along PLEASE DO. it's fun and liberating and scary all at the same time.

regarding my glasses: thank you for the compliments! whenever i go to get new ones i always say im going to splurge and get the Coach ones. but then i get there, talk myself out of spending the money, and end up buying ones that cost me about $20. (we have an excellent vision plan through jays work, which almost makes up for the uber shitty health insurance.) anyway, they are Sigrid Olsen and have held up really well, especially given the inexpensive price.

daphne: i do think its something in the air, but i cant pinpoint what. it happens only once or twice a week and i always try and think of what could cause it but so far im stumped.

Tammie said...

theresa: thank you!
it may be a stress thing. hives arent new for me and i have been known to break out during rough times, but i think im relatively stress free at the moment. maybe. :)

the bedspread is from urbanoutfitters.com. we needed something lightweight for summer (no ac here), and this fits the bill because its almost like having another sheet on the bed. plus, it was fairly cheap which is always a plus.

nevertravelled said...

I will try to play along... I have all my new clothes to show off. Unfortunately the only full-length mirror is in the closet (the big, dark, narrow one, with no chance of actually being able to use the mirror). So.. I will see what I can do. :)

Tammie said...

daphne: there are no requirements that it be full length. in fact, once fall and winter comes and my bedroom stays dark, i predict many a shot in front of the bathroom mirror.

Maria Rose said...

I think you are beautiful and it makes me sad that you have difficulty seeing it, but I think it's wonderful that you are facing your fears head on. Can't wait to see more of you!

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

You look great! ET fingers, my foot. This is a wonderful idea -- you are so brave. Basically every shot of me makes me look like I have many chins. I'm just hoping that's not the way I look in real life.

Tammie said...

note: im having trouble approving comments. so if you know you left one and you dont see it here, that's why.
i hate it when that happens. :(

hester said...

You crazy girl! You are gorgeous! Gorgeous face, gorgeous hair, gorgeous glasses! Gorgeous ET pinky (kidding).

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

You hit something here.
I do the same. Rick gets so angry that I destroy all my photo's. I applaud your bravery because I know this is so difficult for you.
But like everyone else is saying and as I have said before you're just so damn cute. I hope you learn that through all of this.

Big Hugs -

Not Hannah said...

You are so brave. Seriously. I am in awe. I will be mulling this over for the next few days...

Also...DANG! I wish I had an extra-long, camera balancing finger. It would come in SO handy. :)

Becky..AMHW said...

I don't like my pictures either. I feel funny. I mean, I can take a costume photo. In those I'm playing a part. But just photos? I'm rarely happy with the way they turn out. Even in costume photos I have to have dozens taken so I can pick from them.

Justin had to use a photo of me for his school presentation and asked me to pick one. I told him to do it. I'm far too critical about it.

Tammie said...

note: im getting all your comments and appreciate all the positive response to this. :)

blogger is having issues with the commenting system. sometimes i cant approve them, other times i can but then they disappear. so if you know you left a comment and dont see it here, that's why.

Penny said...

I really love this project. I am always joking with my husband that if anything ever happens to me my son won't even know what I look like because on 80% of our photographs I'm not there because 1)I took the picture or 2)I deleted the pictures of me because I thought I looked fat. I have vowed to stop deleting pictures and I really need to start asking my husband to take some pictures every once in a while!

tammiemarie said...

i love this project. and you are adorable! i want to cut my hair off now.

Sarah12730 said...

I really like this project. It's funny, but the idea that "I hate pictures of myself but I want my kids to have some to look back on" has been creeping through my (and quite a few of my friend's) mind(s) lately. Of course, you ARE pretty, but I know you can't see it. I can't see how people say I'm pretty, how could I expect that you could? Anyway, I like the idea, and I'm actually trying to be more accepting of pictures being taken of me, too. Also, you do not have abnormally long fingers, they're just right.

R.H. Ducky said...

LOVE this! i think you are absolutely beautiful...and obviously i'm not the only one. also, whenever i see pics of your hair i want to chop all of mine off. so. freakin'. badly.

i've toyed with the idea of posting a pic of me on my blog...especially since that one chick thinks i'm a dude *slaps forehead*

kraftykash said...

You. Are. Beautiful. End of story. If I wasnt married....well... LOL :)

Crystal Trosper said...

You are one hot momma! Really, you are very pretty.

Lia said...

I hate having my picture taken, as well. Cringe at the thought of it and often at the vision of myself in the mirror. I don't go as far as you do by destroying the pics, but I truly hate them. I do think this is a great idea. I've enjoyed Visty's family portrait project and this just takes it one step further, to the real reason why I hardly have any photos of all of us together- cuz I won't get in it. Not sure that I'm up for this yet, though. Maybe in a couple of months. And you're adorable. Tiny and cute. Enjoy it!

Lia said...

I forgot to say that I LOVE that song and have been listening to it all day long today. Thanks for reminding me of it!