Friday, March 12, 2010

An Open Letter to the Kid Who Stole My Son's Lunchbox

Dear Thief,

Don't worry, I don't know who you are and I probably never will since a large portion of the student body of your school appear to be cast members from Lord of the Flies. Really, you all look like a bunch of ne'er do wells and savages to me.

I have to say I was pretty pissed when the boy called me at home to tell me his lunch had been stolen and to ask permission to borrow money from the front office to buy school lunch. The boy is picky. He didn't eat well that day. Then I started thinking that you were probably some eighth grade douche bag just picking on my kid. Who steals a lunch box with someone else's name embroidered on the front? Especially when the name is "Monty." I mean, I know for a fact that's not your name. He's the only Monty there!

But it's no matter now. The lunchbox was found. Of course most of the food was gone (as you well know), but thanks for leaving the Tupperware. We re-use all that stuff. I have some questions for you though. I noticed you ate the peanut butter crackers, the granola bar, the fruit cup, and the apple, yet you left the cookies. Are you diabetic? Or could you just tell that they were knock off Oreo's and you weren't interested? I'm sorry, but Nabisco just isn't in my budget right now. Frankly neither is charity, but I didn't really have much say in the matter now did I?

Anyway, I'm glad you had a decent meal. You obviously felt you needed it. And really, deep down there is a part of me that's a little bit excited that somewhere out there exists a kid that not only wants to eat the lunches I pack, but will risk getting into trouble to do so. So thanks for that. Usually I get complaints like,"What the heck?! Two fruits?!" So yeah, I'm glad you at least enjoyed the fruit. Oh, and FYI, that apple was organic.

Sincerely yours,
Monty's Mom

P.S. Sadly for you, my son only has a few more weeks left at your school. So you should probably start scoping out new lunch providers.

19 comments:

It's Me, Theresa said...

Oh my gosh! Well, embroidered name or not, I'd say that sounds like a pretty good lunch. I probably would have ganked it to if I was hungry... but I totally would have eaten the cookies too.

Hope the boy's next school is a better environment

kraftykash said...

OMG! Im sorry, but this letter was funny. I CAN believe someone stole it, kids that age (8th-??) are just plain stupid. My son got busted for dropping the F bomb in class and then had the nerve to tell me "Mom, I said Shut the BUCK up, I promise." I asked him if he thought we were buck hunters?!?!?! Anyway...Im glad Monty found the lunch box. :)

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I agree with Theresa - I would have eaten the cookies too.

Who does that? I mean really was he so hungry he had to steal or was just a punk rat bastard?

Here's to a new school for your boy and girl. I somehow think it will be better in the gentle northwest.

Tammie said...

theresa: the cookies was the weirdest part... who leaves cookies?!

kashoan: yeah i think it was just some kid being a dumb ass. these pre teen/early teen years are not the most fun.

and im sorry, but shut the buck up?!?! did he really think he could pull that one over on you?

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

That's a terrible thing....At least the lunch box was retrieved. Poor kid. My 6th grader probably would suffer without lunch because he wouldn't want to "bother" anyone in the office.

Carla said...

That happened regularly to a friend of mine when we were in high school (I believe). She started putting wads of cat hair in her sandwiches and I think she even made a cat-food sandwich once to to teach the thief a lesson! Hopefully this was just a one time incident for your son - as if they left the cookies though!

Daphne said...

At least you got the lunchbox back! That sucks. But nice letter. :)

Aleta said...

Part of me is upset for your son, because he lost out and that's just wrong of another child to steal someone else's lunch.

The other part of me wonders... was the child who stole the lunch... not being cared for? sent to school without money or a lunch? was really in need and hungry?

It's still not right, but I hope that the one who did steal did it from pure need (and that makes me sad) rather than ill intent.

Tammie said...

peggy: im hoping things will be better up there.

jodi: nothing gets in the way between my son and a meal.

carla: hopefully its just a one time thing, but if not we were discussing the many different awful things we could put in it next time. i suggested a poisonous viper, but im not sure where id get one. :)

aleta: honestly, that was my thinking too. on the one hand i was irritated. BUT, if the kid was hungry, i can only fault he/she so much.

daphne: thanks. :)

Penny said...

Oh that makes me angry, but also sad because I sort of hope that kid was just being a jerk and not that he stole your son's lunch because he was hungry....

Dani said...

Maybe there is a lunch cartel at your kid's school and your boy's was hijacked.

Lia said...

Kids can be jerks to each other. Sorry about that.

In keeping with Kash's comment, Dani and I once had a second grader try to tell us she had called someone a "bench" rather than bitch. It was awesomely hilarious and I still use it to this day

Maria Rose said...

Ha ha! You are such a great writer! Sad story...but you made me laugh as I read it!

alisha said...

that suuucks! i would be angry too. but i love this letter. you're such a great writer.

-SPW said...

I swear - being a kid can be the worst. Somedays, paying bills, doing my own laundry and cleaning my own house is soo worth not being an awkward grade schooler.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

When Monty leaves, he should leave behind a lunchbox filled with poop sandwiches.
Or something.

Mari said...

I hope it was some really hungry kid, then I can't be so mad about it!

Not Your Aunt B said...

Ugh. I didn't even realize that happened anymore. Bullying and crap is so old school. At least it was a healthy lunch! Maybe that's what kids these days are really after!

Anonymous said...

Sorry your son's lunch was stolen. Unfortunately this has happened to all 3 of my children at one time or another. Just brace yourself for stolen cell phones, calculators and gym shoes when they get to high school. However, I can't help asking since when are peanut butter crackers and granola bars considered a good lunch? At least he had some fruit!