Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Where I'm At Right Now

Saturday night I dreamt I was driving along a busy highway and all of a sudden there was a giant cement wall in front of me. I didn't hit it, it was just there, and in my short little dream I couldn't find a way to go around it. It was so startling that I immediately woke up and opened my eyes. After a few seconds I realized it was just a dream, closed my eyes again, yet the wall was still there. I think this dream is very indicative of how my life is going at the moment.

Friday night my mom and her boyfriend came home and informed us that they got a great deal on a rental house and would be moving out. The next day. I've mentioned here before that Jay and I bought this house not only for ourselves, but for extended family. We can't afford it on our own. So we have to move. Soon.

While I never expected us to all live in this house forever, especially if it wasn't financially feasible for one party, I did expect us to all go our separate ways around the same time (roughly) so that no one was left in a lurch scrambling to figure out what they were going to do, where they were going to live, etc. I thought I deserved the decency of being given more than one day notice. Especially from my own mother. (For the record, a similar situation happened over the summer resulting in our financial troubles that I've alluded to numerous times. And when that living situation was no longer feasible, they moved in with us. So to say I feel used, is an understatement.)

I've tried talking to my mom about all this. Not only the incredibly tight financial bind it puts my family in, but how much her actions have just hurt me plain and simple. But the conversation goes nowhere. She either gets up and walks out or her boyfriend speaks for her. I'm tired of trying to make it work. I've been crying a lot lately. I don't have much in the way of extended family and my personal parental support system is virtually non existent. (My relationship with my dad has gotten better in the past year or so, but we are far too different-or maybe alike-to ever be close.)

My mom and I used to be like best friends. We did things together, went places together, and just hung out enjoying each others company. Things haven't been that way in about a year. The person she is now, is not the person I've known my whole life. Her personality has changed in a way I don't understand and I feel an incredible sense of loss. For myself and for my kids. I don't talk about these types of personal relationships with my kids and I don't talk badly about other family members in front of them. Of course I shield them from harm, but I also think it's much healthier for kids to form their own opinions about people. My son has come to me numerous times saying how he wants his "old Grandma" back. I don't know how to respond to that.

Anyway, obviously these recent events push The Big Move up sooner than planned. It looks as if we'll be moving soon. Real soon. Months, possibly as soon as 3-4 weeks. We may wait around for our house to sell, we may not. And we'll be taking all of our debt with us. We thought about just getting a cheap apartment here in town until our life settles a bit, but ultimately we think we'd just be digging ourselves in deeper. I'm feeling a huge range of emotions right now. Fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, anger, excitement. We've already started packing up our stuff and we've met with a realtor. The wheels are in motion.

Posting will probably be sporadic here in the coming weeks and months as Jay and I work out what we need to do to make this situation as painless as possible for our children. But up until the day I disconnect the computer, I'll still be here reading your blogs. Keep your fingers crossed that this giant cement wall isn't too hard to go around.

(I wrote this Monday morning when I was definitely at one of my lowest emotional points and I had a lengthy internal debate about whether to post it or not. I decided to post it for no other reason than I needed to FOR ME. Now, a day later, I'm......okay. There is still an immense, weighty sadness I feel that I don't know how to put into words, but I also feel more able to deal with it all. I have a lot to do around the house so keeping busy is going to help me. Also, I've turned off the comments on this post because I didn't want it to become a "Poor Tammie" forum.)