Is there such a thing as a mini breakdown? Or does any mental collapse, despite it's size, qualify as a breakdown? Does a mini breakdown occur when no one gets hurt? Because I pretty much lost it yesterday and no one was wounded. Well, no one except the spray bottle still half filled with cleanser that I threw against the wall. Whatever the semantics, I'm choosing to classify my breakdown as "mini." This makes me feel significantly less crazy.
I'm not going to get into what the final straw was, because looking back, it's silly and not that interesting. And the whole mini breakdown really isn't about the final straw. It was brought on basically by the physical and mental exhaustion that has been the result of working on this house (and budgeting the work on the house) for the last year and a half. As my close friends know, and the rest of you are about to find out, we bought this house because my dad said he would assist with the renovations, both in person and financially. He has helped to a point, but not nearly as much as he said he would. I no longer blame him for this, he knows his financial situation better than I do. I just wish things were different. I try to no longer dwell on what could have/should have been. I just try to deal.
When I look back on everything we've done, I'm honestly amazed. We've done a lot. But when I think about it from a day-to-day viewpoint, I get completely overwhelmed. Here is just a bit of what we've done to the house:
*replaced all the siding
*repainted entire outside of house
*totally rebuilt boys room and replaced windows
*replaced washing machine
*repaired all four toilets
*reran all the cable lines to all the rooms
*painted front room/entryway/dining room/laundry room/boys room/girls room/half bath/master bath
*re-floored mom's room
*re-floored girl's room
*re-floored master bath and bedroom
*fixed plumbing issues and rebuilt doorways and replaced doors in master bath
*installed french doors and pass thru-shutters
*completed duct work in attic
*complete landscaping overhaul: all new sod, replaced portion of fence, new plants, etc...
This is just a snippet of what we've done. It's the big stuff. It doesn't include the dozens and dozens of little things we do every week. (new light fixtures, electrical outlets, and so on.) And the blurbs above only give you a glimpse into the enormity of the project. For instance when I say "replaced all the siding," you have no way of knowing that this was at least a four month project from start to finish. All of this, combined with the everyday upkeep and cleaning that a house requires, and raising a family, and trying to maintain some sort of relationship with my husband that doesn't involve dates to Home Depot, has just sucked the life out of me and made me borderline crazy.
Part of this I know is my fault. I've always been a perfectionist and I like to see things get done. The problem in this situation is that there is so much to be completed that not everything can get done in the time frame I would like. And I can't do it all.
I certainly don't want to diminish the fact that we have received some help throughout all this. My dad helped with the installation of the siding and has paid for a few things here and there. And my mom bought the french doors and my awesome super-energy efficient Fisher and Paykel washing machine.(Seriously, I LOVE this washing machine. You know how when you were a kid and you mentioned you love something and then some assbag standing by would say something like, "Well if you love it so much then why don't you marry it?" I would totally marry this washing machine. The spin cycle is so fast that the clothes come out practically dry!)
I'm trying to relax today. I'm drinking my Yogi tea and taking deep breaths. I'm carrying around a tube of Instant Aromatherapy (thank you Dawn!). I'm trying to not cry. I'm trying to not look around at all the stuff I should be doing. I don't want to have another mini break down. I can't afford to lose anymore spray bottles. Replacing spray bottles would mean another trip to Home Depot, and I have vowed not to return there for at least a month.